The next step

After the cathartic last post, I did what any self respecting hippie woman would do to cheer herself up and to chill out. Yes, I cooked. (What did you think?) I totally sought emotional refuge in food. I made Rachael Ray's Meatloaf Muffins with smashed potatoes. And a salad. I had two helpings of that and then icecream with chocolate syrup. Comfort food to the max. The muffins came out extremely cute! They tasted great, too. YUM. I felt better.

Then yesterday, I had the appointment with the surgeon. He did another exam and used a small ultrasound machine, which showed him a cyst and the questionable lump. (Hey, two in one!) He said the lump should definitely come out. I was ready for that anyway. Then he did another biopsy - one that required local anesthetic and a bigger needle. I was scared, but my girl was there, holding my hand the entire time. I am so glad she came with me. Just having someone who cares about me enough to take time off their job and to be there offset the entire experience. I'm not so scared of this being 'serious' because of all the publicity breast cancer gets and the fact that so many people are aware of it and fighting it. I feel like I have enough inner strength to get through it. I'm really glad that I found it so early and that it will be removed before it can ever turn into anything serious. Only the moment when the medical procedure actually happens, that is scary. But to have her hand to hold on to, and to know that the doctor and the nurses see that someone cares about me, that helped me get through it.


Thank you for all your kind comments yesterday. They all helped, and it is wonderful to know that there are people who care. I'm not alone.

Where is the silver lining when you need it?

Sometimes the light's all shining on me, other times I can barely see. The Dead are playing tonight at the Warfield (they are rocking for Obama) but I won't be there, the show was sold out already when I found out about it. I don't even want to think about it - seeing them would be so much fun and would take my mind of so much crap, but, no. Too many stressful things have happened lately, and I'm feeling it, my body is reacting with anxiety and insomnia, and my girlfriend saw me get so f*cking emotional that she's decided to give me some time & space until I sort out my priorities. I already blogged about my Opa passing away, but I still cry everytime I think about it. Maybe it's because I live so far away that I could not go to the funeral and I don't have closure. When I don't think about it, I'm fine, but when I do, I get so sad. I'm even afraid of talking to my grandma, my Oma, who now has to go to a home. Another thing I can't do anything about, except for calling her, and then we are both crying.

My schedule this semester is one day class on Tuesday and Thursday. I used to take 2 or 3 classes, but since I've started my own business, the business has grown, and now taking just one eats up a huge chunk of billable time. Over the holidays, work slowed down a lot, and I was actually worried. But I got a new client to fill in for the ones who had no work for me. The good, yet bad, thing is that he has way more work for me than the others, and now my old clients are coming back and I'm completely overwhelmed. I had to tell everyone last week that I was not going to finish by the time I thought I would, which made me feel like a huge flake. And it makes me worry that they will go find someone else to do their drafting. The good thing is that the new clients pays me at my higher rate and that he is very organized. But his projects also have serious deadlines. That's in contrast to an old client who is a nice guy, but disorganized, flakes often, and pays me on the last day possible. I don't know how to choose - go with the old, established client, or the new one? And if I go with the new one, how do I fire the old one? And how will his cousin feel about that, who is my favorite client of all?

Anway, the new guy gave me so much work that I ended up skipping my class, which is not good. I'm taking the class with the only purpose of producing more art work for my portfolio so I can apply to grad school with more confidence. I started the business so I could go to school, so school should be the number one priority. I can't just squeeze out art, I need to feel relaxed and enjoy the project for me to be creative. When I'm worried about work, that's impossible.

On top of that, the doctor who did the aspiration called me. When you get a call from a doctor about lab results, that's not good. He said that some of the cells he took from the lump are slightly abnormal, and that he recommends I have it 'excised'. So tomorrow I have an appointmet with a breast surgeon, to get another opinion. I know I don't have breast cancer, because the mammogram was negative, but I don't want abnormal cells to turn into breast cancer either. So I'm not superworried about it, but it does weigh on my mind. And it's going to take up time, time that I need for work and school.

The week before last, my girl had a bunch of horrible days at her work. She's a social worker, so with her work, actual people are involved which I imagine is even more stressful than mine - I mean, what's worse, trying to find poor & handicapped people places to live in SF, or working with people's additions and remodels? I didn't hear her say that she wanted me to call her at night, I still don't remember, and I so regret that, I can't express how much. I want to be there to support her. She does the same for me. We worked through that, she's managing ok, and now I just keep breaking down. She saw me last week, when I was crying. I was so emotional that everything just set me off again - my laundry lady offering me to stay late so I could pick up my wash'n'fold, for example. When my life sucks, and random people are nice to me, that makes me cry, I don't know why. I think it scared her, me being so emotional that she couldn't help me.

On top of all that, of course, there are groceries, cleaning my apartment so it's presentable to clients, dealing with my old cat who throws up in the middle of the night, laundry, pet store, it never ends. I mean, with all this going on, I can't think about putting him to sleep. I just can't.

So this weekend, my girl told me she felt that I got too stressed out trying to get everything done when I know she is coming over. So she decided to stay away until I figure out my priorities. I know she's trying to help and it's what I need to do. She says maybe one day a week is all we should be together, instead of all weekend and long and evening dates during the week. And next weekend, she wants to see an old friend who's in town and she might not have time to see me at all. But seeing her is the one thing I truly want to do. That's why I would blow off school and work - being with her feels so good and makes me so happy I just don't care - but then school and work just blow up in my face later. How can I choose?

So I'm being more disciplined about work and school - I get up earlier, I'm at the computer earlier, I've told the new guy I couldn't do his next big project but smaller projects might be ok, and I had a 12 hour Sunday yesterday - caught up on work and made progress on school, and I'll have next weekend to devote to work and school, too. I'm not going to go out to listen to bluegrass during the week anymore. Still going to run and do yoga for stress relief, though. I hope this will work. I hope I can be adult and responsible about it all, because loosing her, that would be the worst of all.

Follow-up Cookies

I had my follow-up appointment with Kaiser's breast specialist today. It was over in 20 minutes. The doctor, even though a guy, was totally non-threatening and actually a funny character. He is pretty sure the lump is benign. He tried to drain it, but it turned out not to be a cyst, so he sent the cells he collected to the lab. I'll know more in a week. I'm not going to write about the actual procedure, but if you are ever in this situation, know that it only sounds creepy but hurts less than drawing blood. A pin-prick, honestly. Just don't look.

Whenever I see needles or similar at the doctor, I freak out. I only have to see it, and I run. "I have to go now. We can do this another time." (My girl said it's good that I know my limits. I love her.) I thought this appointment was to talk only, but then he started digging around in the drawers for a syringe (or something equally freaky) and I thought, "oh, right now?!" I told him I needed to close my eyes or I'd freak, and he totally understood. I lived. Despite the pin prick. I am such a big baby.

When I got home, my Mom's Christmas cookies had arrived. Yay! It was like a big hug from home. They were a bit crumbly (after being in the mail for 6 weeks, because the seriously country post office there doesn't know where the US is) but oh, so good.

Fetchings & Steeks

Becca threw a fun knit-in a couple of weeks ago with one rule - because it was New Year, we needed to cast on something new. Makes perfect sense. It's usually easier for me to do some mindless knitting when I'm socializing at the same time, but I was up to the challenge. I wanted to knit something for my girl, and I was wavering between the Fetching and the Rib & Cable Mitts from IK. So I asked her which she liked better, and luckily, she picked the Fetchings pattern. I think it's easier because there is no thumb gusset, and also the instructions are so much easier to understand.

I had bought some alpaca for this project, and she's reporting that they keep her hands nice and warm. It's also supersoft. I loved making them. It took about 3 days, so fast and easy. I like the pointy cast-off because it's so victorian and cute. Unfortunately, they curl back quite a bit, and I didn't block them, because I didn't want them to loose their cling! I'm tempted to make a pair for me - and if I do, I think I'd modify them to be a little longer over the fingers - maybe one more cable repeat. I think that might help with the curl-back.
In the meantime, I'm getting pretty close with the baby sweater: it's been steeked! Proof that I got over myself and cut into my knitting:

It felt safe enough to cut after I sewed 2 lines with my sewing machine at the right and left edge of the cutting stitches. Just like everybody else always says, nothing unraveled! I sewed in the sleeves and covered the cut edges with the little placket - that came out ok. I've also done the first button-band. I'm having issues with picking up stitches on the second one, but maybe all I need is a crochet hook, like the pattern specifies. Next time, this will be a finished project!

Until then...Stay warm and be good to each other!

Negative. Better.

This morning I got a call from Kaiser and my results were negative. Funny how negative test results are always the positive outcome you hope for! Everytime that happens I have to remind myself, oh yeah, negative is positive. So, whatevery that lump is, it did not show up on the mammogram, which is a good thing. I still have a follow up appointment to find out if and what I should do about it. Whatever that is, I know I can live with it.
Yes, for a few moments I was pretty scared about it all. My girl, who is a therapist, kept telling me not to worry since I did not know what was going on yet. She said, when you get bad news, that's when you can allow yourself to worry, but not until then, because you just drive yourself crazy. I know all that is true, and I'm trying, honestly, I'm reading The Power of Now and I totally believe in the power of positive thinking, but. She does not know I am the secret, underground master of negative thinking of all time, and that my family has perfected the art of negative thinking for generations. I am not able to track down my negative thoughts and argue them into non-existence by being rational. I've tried. It makes sense but I can't do it. I often don't even have negative thoughts before I feel scared or sad. My feelings come before my thoughts.
So I felt freaked out for a couple of days. I distracted myself, but every once in a while I realized I was feeling pretty crappy and then I remembered, oh right, my grandpa died and I have a lump. Once I had the mammogram, though, I realized I had done everything I could and that I just had to accept whatever was going to happen. Life goes on, one day at a time. Things happen that are beyond our control. I am however, a person of faith. I gained that faith when I was feeling extremely depressed and was looking for help by going to a church. I know that wherever I am in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be, that God has a divine plan for my life and that he is there to guide me. I won't turn all fundi on you now, dear reader, but I truly believe this and it gives me inner peace. It took me a couple of days to find it, and until then, I was scared and had emotional ups and downs, but I think it's totally normal to experience those feelings upon receiving two types of bad news like that.
Anyway. I'm happy and all is better now. When you get confused, listen to the music play.

Double Whammy

Yesterday, I would say, was one of the worst days ever, in my life. Sad and scary, but my cat is ok, my car is okay, I'm probably ok. In the morning, my Mom called me to tell me my grandpa was in the hospital. He was 93 years old. The last time I saw him was in September and he seemed to be a frail, grumpy old man. But sweet. I saw him smile when he recognized me. When my mom called, he had had a collapse and a surgery. He was unresponsive, didn't talk, didn't open his eyes, didn't squeeze anybody's hand.

I started to cry and I could not tell my Mom what was on my mind - the fact that I had an appointment to check out a lump in my breast. I found it last weekend. Thank God I have health insurance. I got an appointment 2 days later - yay for Kaiser. My doctor thinks it's a cyst caused by hormonal changes, and she gave me the option of waiting for a couple of cycles, or of having a mammogram and making an appointment with a specialist. I didn't want to wait, so I had my first mammogram (what fun) and now I'm waiting to hear from the radiologist.

When I got home, my Mom called again. My grandpa had passed away. Very sad. But at least I was already prepared. I am my grandparent's oldest grandchild, and we were close. I am grateful for all my happy childhood memories, grateful for the fact that he didn't suffer from illness but died of old age, grateful that my Dad, aunts and uncle were taking care of him and grandma rather than a nursing home. I feel shell shocked but there is nothing I can do.

Since my family is in Germany, I have to decide if I need to get on a plane for 11 hours, go to a funeral and get back on a plane, all for about a grand. I don't think I will go. I think it's best to save my money and go visit the living.

Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile.

Welcome to Stella Knits 3!

Happy 2008 to all my readers who may have found my new blog home! I promised knitting, didn't I? I actually have had time to knit since my school life and work life has slowed down a bit due to the holidays. I was wondering for a while if I was actually done with knitting. But I found a cure for my knit fatigue - making something cute for a baby. It has been so much fun! I get to look at the cute Baby Ull baby pictures and knitting something so small is almost instant gratification. Even knitting sleeves is fun, because they are so cute and tiny.

I wish more people I know were having babies, because these outfits are so cute, I want to make more. I'm definitely not one of those women who want to have a baby so bad they make clothes for it just in case - seriously, I don't want any myself, but they are cute enough to look at from a distance. Knitting baby outfits is fun, too, but that's where the baby fun stops for me.

I've finished body and first sleeve, second sleeve is halfway done. I'm considering the knitting 50% of this project because of the big unknown to me involved in the finishing - the steeks. Three steeks are involved here - the front, because this is actually a baby cardi, and the sleeves. The sleeves have a little placket at the top, and it remains to be seen exactly how I'm going to sew them into the armholes. But the Ull directions have been pretty clear so far, so I'm taking it one step at a time.

What else can I say about my first two color knitting? It's sometimes challenging not to get my two color yarns too tangled but it is fun seeing the pattern develop. It's also hard to work with two colors when knitting rows rather than rounds, such as at the shoulders of the body and at the top of the sleeves. Purling with two colors? Not so much fun, but I lived throught it. Somehow, the yarn of the color I need is always at the wrong end. So that lead to weaving in a lot of ends, but even that was ok with me.

Happy 2008 to you! Change your links and your bloglines so you can follow the exciting progress... hugs to all of you who keep reading despite my huge breaks!