This morning I got a call from Kaiser and my results were negative. Funny how negative test results are always the positive outcome you hope for! Everytime that happens I have to remind myself, oh yeah, negative is positive. So, whatevery that lump is, it did not show up on the mammogram, which is a good thing. I still have a follow up appointment to find out if and what I should do about it. Whatever that is, I know I can live with it.
Yes, for a few moments I was pretty scared about it all. My girl, who is a therapist, kept telling me not to worry since I did not know what was going on yet. She said, when you get bad news, that's when you can allow yourself to worry, but not until then, because you just drive yourself crazy. I know all that is true, and I'm trying, honestly, I'm reading The Power of Now and I totally believe in the power of positive thinking, but. She does not know I am the secret, underground master of negative thinking of all time, and that my family has perfected the art of negative thinking for generations. I am not able to track down my negative thoughts and argue them into non-existence by being rational. I've tried. It makes sense but I can't do it. I often don't even have negative thoughts before I feel scared or sad. My feelings come before my thoughts.
So I felt freaked out for a couple of days. I distracted myself, but every once in a while I realized I was feeling pretty crappy and then I remembered, oh right, my grandpa died and I have a lump. Once I had the mammogram, though, I realized I had done everything I could and that I just had to accept whatever was going to happen. Life goes on, one day at a time. Things happen that are beyond our control. I am however, a person of faith. I gained that faith when I was feeling extremely depressed and was looking for help by going to a church. I know that wherever I am in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be, that God has a divine plan for my life and that he is there to guide me. I won't turn all fundi on you now, dear reader, but I truly believe this and it gives me inner peace. It took me a couple of days to find it, and until then, I was scared and had emotional ups and downs, but I think it's totally normal to experience those feelings upon receiving two types of bad news like that.
Anyway. I'm happy and all is better now. When you get confused, listen to the music play.
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6 comments:
One of my current favorite books (even though I haven't opened it in several months) is "When Things Fall Apart" - it's about accepting that things fall apart, to accept fear/anger/sadness/etc. I think it's a combination of having read that book at the right time and loving my chaotic daughter that really evened my anxiety levels to a minimum.
Congratulations on the test results! I hope good news continues to come your way.
***And a therapist for a significant other?! Score! (I mean that in the best of ways - my man is the best listener I ever met, including my therapist.)
I am so happy for you! What a relief!
I totally understand the negative freaking out, though. Sometime it's hard not to go into the dark places.
{{{{hugs}}}}
Good result. Fab ! Now breathe. :0)
Great news!
Oh, I'm glad you can finally relax... I have been through that drama and I know exactly what you mean. Even though you KNOW you don't have anything to worry about, behind every thought is that other negative thought showing itself just a little, just enough so you can't forget. Hugs!
Hooray!
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