Follow-up Cookies

I had my follow-up appointment with Kaiser's breast specialist today. It was over in 20 minutes. The doctor, even though a guy, was totally non-threatening and actually a funny character. He is pretty sure the lump is benign. He tried to drain it, but it turned out not to be a cyst, so he sent the cells he collected to the lab. I'll know more in a week. I'm not going to write about the actual procedure, but if you are ever in this situation, know that it only sounds creepy but hurts less than drawing blood. A pin-prick, honestly. Just don't look.

Whenever I see needles or similar at the doctor, I freak out. I only have to see it, and I run. "I have to go now. We can do this another time." (My girl said it's good that I know my limits. I love her.) I thought this appointment was to talk only, but then he started digging around in the drawers for a syringe (or something equally freaky) and I thought, "oh, right now?!" I told him I needed to close my eyes or I'd freak, and he totally understood. I lived. Despite the pin prick. I am such a big baby.

When I got home, my Mom's Christmas cookies had arrived. Yay! It was like a big hug from home. They were a bit crumbly (after being in the mail for 6 weeks, because the seriously country post office there doesn't know where the US is) but oh, so good.

Fetchings & Steeks

Becca threw a fun knit-in a couple of weeks ago with one rule - because it was New Year, we needed to cast on something new. Makes perfect sense. It's usually easier for me to do some mindless knitting when I'm socializing at the same time, but I was up to the challenge. I wanted to knit something for my girl, and I was wavering between the Fetching and the Rib & Cable Mitts from IK. So I asked her which she liked better, and luckily, she picked the Fetchings pattern. I think it's easier because there is no thumb gusset, and also the instructions are so much easier to understand.

I had bought some alpaca for this project, and she's reporting that they keep her hands nice and warm. It's also supersoft. I loved making them. It took about 3 days, so fast and easy. I like the pointy cast-off because it's so victorian and cute. Unfortunately, they curl back quite a bit, and I didn't block them, because I didn't want them to loose their cling! I'm tempted to make a pair for me - and if I do, I think I'd modify them to be a little longer over the fingers - maybe one more cable repeat. I think that might help with the curl-back.
In the meantime, I'm getting pretty close with the baby sweater: it's been steeked! Proof that I got over myself and cut into my knitting:

It felt safe enough to cut after I sewed 2 lines with my sewing machine at the right and left edge of the cutting stitches. Just like everybody else always says, nothing unraveled! I sewed in the sleeves and covered the cut edges with the little placket - that came out ok. I've also done the first button-band. I'm having issues with picking up stitches on the second one, but maybe all I need is a crochet hook, like the pattern specifies. Next time, this will be a finished project!

Until then...Stay warm and be good to each other!

Negative. Better.

This morning I got a call from Kaiser and my results were negative. Funny how negative test results are always the positive outcome you hope for! Everytime that happens I have to remind myself, oh yeah, negative is positive. So, whatevery that lump is, it did not show up on the mammogram, which is a good thing. I still have a follow up appointment to find out if and what I should do about it. Whatever that is, I know I can live with it.
Yes, for a few moments I was pretty scared about it all. My girl, who is a therapist, kept telling me not to worry since I did not know what was going on yet. She said, when you get bad news, that's when you can allow yourself to worry, but not until then, because you just drive yourself crazy. I know all that is true, and I'm trying, honestly, I'm reading The Power of Now and I totally believe in the power of positive thinking, but. She does not know I am the secret, underground master of negative thinking of all time, and that my family has perfected the art of negative thinking for generations. I am not able to track down my negative thoughts and argue them into non-existence by being rational. I've tried. It makes sense but I can't do it. I often don't even have negative thoughts before I feel scared or sad. My feelings come before my thoughts.
So I felt freaked out for a couple of days. I distracted myself, but every once in a while I realized I was feeling pretty crappy and then I remembered, oh right, my grandpa died and I have a lump. Once I had the mammogram, though, I realized I had done everything I could and that I just had to accept whatever was going to happen. Life goes on, one day at a time. Things happen that are beyond our control. I am however, a person of faith. I gained that faith when I was feeling extremely depressed and was looking for help by going to a church. I know that wherever I am in my life is exactly where I am supposed to be, that God has a divine plan for my life and that he is there to guide me. I won't turn all fundi on you now, dear reader, but I truly believe this and it gives me inner peace. It took me a couple of days to find it, and until then, I was scared and had emotional ups and downs, but I think it's totally normal to experience those feelings upon receiving two types of bad news like that.
Anyway. I'm happy and all is better now. When you get confused, listen to the music play.

Double Whammy

Yesterday, I would say, was one of the worst days ever, in my life. Sad and scary, but my cat is ok, my car is okay, I'm probably ok. In the morning, my Mom called me to tell me my grandpa was in the hospital. He was 93 years old. The last time I saw him was in September and he seemed to be a frail, grumpy old man. But sweet. I saw him smile when he recognized me. When my mom called, he had had a collapse and a surgery. He was unresponsive, didn't talk, didn't open his eyes, didn't squeeze anybody's hand.

I started to cry and I could not tell my Mom what was on my mind - the fact that I had an appointment to check out a lump in my breast. I found it last weekend. Thank God I have health insurance. I got an appointment 2 days later - yay for Kaiser. My doctor thinks it's a cyst caused by hormonal changes, and she gave me the option of waiting for a couple of cycles, or of having a mammogram and making an appointment with a specialist. I didn't want to wait, so I had my first mammogram (what fun) and now I'm waiting to hear from the radiologist.

When I got home, my Mom called again. My grandpa had passed away. Very sad. But at least I was already prepared. I am my grandparent's oldest grandchild, and we were close. I am grateful for all my happy childhood memories, grateful for the fact that he didn't suffer from illness but died of old age, grateful that my Dad, aunts and uncle were taking care of him and grandma rather than a nursing home. I feel shell shocked but there is nothing I can do.

Since my family is in Germany, I have to decide if I need to get on a plane for 11 hours, go to a funeral and get back on a plane, all for about a grand. I don't think I will go. I think it's best to save my money and go visit the living.

Nothing left to do but smile, smile, smile.

Welcome to Stella Knits 3!

Happy 2008 to all my readers who may have found my new blog home! I promised knitting, didn't I? I actually have had time to knit since my school life and work life has slowed down a bit due to the holidays. I was wondering for a while if I was actually done with knitting. But I found a cure for my knit fatigue - making something cute for a baby. It has been so much fun! I get to look at the cute Baby Ull baby pictures and knitting something so small is almost instant gratification. Even knitting sleeves is fun, because they are so cute and tiny.

I wish more people I know were having babies, because these outfits are so cute, I want to make more. I'm definitely not one of those women who want to have a baby so bad they make clothes for it just in case - seriously, I don't want any myself, but they are cute enough to look at from a distance. Knitting baby outfits is fun, too, but that's where the baby fun stops for me.

I've finished body and first sleeve, second sleeve is halfway done. I'm considering the knitting 50% of this project because of the big unknown to me involved in the finishing - the steeks. Three steeks are involved here - the front, because this is actually a baby cardi, and the sleeves. The sleeves have a little placket at the top, and it remains to be seen exactly how I'm going to sew them into the armholes. But the Ull directions have been pretty clear so far, so I'm taking it one step at a time.

What else can I say about my first two color knitting? It's sometimes challenging not to get my two color yarns too tangled but it is fun seeing the pattern develop. It's also hard to work with two colors when knitting rows rather than rounds, such as at the shoulders of the body and at the top of the sleeves. Purling with two colors? Not so much fun, but I lived throught it. Somehow, the yarn of the color I need is always at the wrong end. So that lead to weaving in a lot of ends, but even that was ok with me.

Happy 2008 to you! Change your links and your bloglines so you can follow the exciting progress... hugs to all of you who keep reading despite my huge breaks!